Below is one of the best articles I’ve read in a long time relevant to every couple on the planet. I hope you take the time to read and share it with your partner.
Fair Fight Guidelines
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+Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
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+Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
- +Don’t try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.
- +Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.
- +Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.
- +Don’t talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
- +Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.
- +Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.
- +Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.
- +State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.
- +Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.
- +Know your facts: If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you.
- +Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals.
- +Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong. Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem. Instead, focus on what will work.
- +Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. “Is there anything else we need to discuss now?”
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+Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”
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+Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.
- +If you’re angry, express it calmly. “I’m angry about …” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal emotion — rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.
- +Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings — don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out. They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.
- +Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”
- +No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.
- +If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time.
- +Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.
- +Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
I posted this article because so many people believe that fighting is normal. I used to think this way since I was raised in the environment - but it’s not. It’s normal for couples to disagree, after all, none of us are the “Bobbsey Twins“. We are two separate human beings with separate feelings, desires and goals. That doesn’t mean we don’t love each other, it means we’re one - but two, as well.
To protect our kids, today Facebook agreed to increase their security standard even more than previously reported. Both Facebook and MySpace, the number two and one of the social networking sites, have tried to do what they can to keep child predators and unwanted advertising from our kids. Of the 50 United States and Washington, D.C., 49 of them have endorsed the new standards, Texas being the odd-man-out.
Facebook is now taking part in the Internet Safety Task Force created by MySpace, Inc working with the Attorney General. As a part of the agreement, both sites are implementing new features designed to protect our kids.
Under this new agreement, Facebook has agreed to:
- Require companies offering widgets or applications to put into place and enforce Facebook’s safety and privacy guidelines.
- Maintain and continuously update a list of pornographic Web sites and regularly eliminate any links to those sites.
- Regularly review models for abuse reporting and perform a test using the New Jersey Attorney General’s abuse reporting icon.
- Restrict searches by over-18 users so they cannot seek under-18 users.
- Identify and remove profiles of all registered sex offenders.
- Provide privacy controls to allow users to block access to their profiles, restrict information available to users who are not their friends and prevent another user from contacting them.
It was interesting to me to learn that a group of state attorney generals had to fight MySpace last May for their list of registered sex offenders names. Like its private??! I mean, it’s protecting children…why the fight?
In May, 2007, according to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, “There are at least 5,000 registered convicted sex offenders with MySpace profiles posing an immediate, urgent risk to children — potentially violating their parole and probation, and requiring more vigilant measures. MySpace has decided to do the right thing, but additional steps are necessary, such as age verification, to protect children from predators on social networking sites.”
Now, get this! After MySpace turned over their list in July 2007, it was found that MySpace had ~ 29,000 registered sex offenders! OMG!
I ask you, how can any website, business or networking group keep a list like this private? Moreover, how can they knowingly allow child predators to have a place on their network that only allows them to prey more on our children? I know, it’s private, it’s confidential and it’s business…but, it’s our children!
In defense of MySpace, in December 2007, they hired Sentinel Tech Holdings to check their site for registered sex offenders. Uncovered again, thousands more sex offenders!
Facebook, MySpace, Hi5, Twitter, etc all need to realize that they are making money from our children and owe them the responsible due diligence of looking out for them. Our children are the only future the human race has, we must all protect them.
My experience: I have two teenage step-children and had access to their Facebook pages for several years. My 18 yo hasn’t ever had a problem with unwanted requests and she’s female. She also doesn’t add anyone she doesn’t know personally. However, the 15 yo male…hmmm. He’s always in big trouble ;-). When I look at his space, that he knows I watch, he has sites listed as favorite groups, pages or applications that even make his father blush.
My son that is in his late 20’s has been on Facebook forever and when he was a minor, didn’t problems with predators because he “didn’t have time to waste on them”.
I’ve been on MySpace for a while now and Facebook just less than a year. I’ve never received anything I didn’t want or add anyone I didn’t want to add. Of course, I’m an adult and its obvious by my profile. However, from what I’ve learned through our 15 yo is that if you answer or reply to one x-rated (for lack of a better word) request - you get them all. It’s like a red-light goes off on your site.
My girlfriend in Florida had an ex-bo that said “everyone gets these comments,” referring to the x-rated requests. This is so not true.
Just this past week, my hubby, who enjoys learning about different parts of the world because of the business he’s in, requested the add of a 16 yo girl in Facebook. No! He’s not a child predator at all and doesn’t get his jollies from girls younger than his daughter. She was in a group he was visiting and lives in a really cool place that he and I’ve talked about visiting so he wanted to ask her about the area. He’s listed as being married along with his age. Her repsonse to him was funny and not insulting other than she told him, in a 16 yo way, he was old and married. I laughed - a lot! He explained to her what he was interested in. She responded to his request about the area and has since added him as a friend.
The reason I told you this story is because my husband did find a way to get access to a minor. Even though he’s not a bad person, how did this young girl know that. It’s not like 16 yo’s have a sixth sense about danger, right?
For me, there’s still a way for predators to get to our kids. Do we need more rules and regs in a world-wide arena? Or, do we, as parents, need to know what are kids are doing and who they are doing it with? It’s difficult, trust me, I know how difficult it is to keep track of a teenager, especially once they get wheels! But, we need to try. And, if we fail…we need to keep trying. Rules, regulations, cyberspace or just the friend next door…our kids don’t know what we know. We have to protect them. They are the future of the human race.
As a last comment, feel free to request an add from me on MySpace or Facebook. My info is in the links above. And, if you’re a sex offender and want to try to get to my kids through my sites…they’re not listed.
Posted in My five-cents | No Comments »
I’ve liked Clay Aiken since I saw his first try-out on American Idol. His voice far outweighed his geeky look and will always cause me to stop whatever I’m doing and listen.
The poor young man (can you believe he’s now 29?) has gone through so much scrutiny over his looks that its amazing anyone knows he can sing…but he can, that’s for sure. For me, as long as he’s happy with who he is, I don’t care if he wears a paper bag over his head…however, with his new look…I don’t think he’ll have to do that. Is this change brought on by his hairstylist or his role in Monti Python’s Spamalot? hmmm
Before you scroll down to see his new look…remember, after you see it I want to know how you like it.
Posted in Entertainment | 2 Comments »
My geography sucks! You don’t even want to know where I thought Myanmar was. I wasn’t even close. Thank goodness for Wikipedia!
The human life and property toll over Cyclone Nargis and tidal wave this past weekend is a reason for all of us to do what we can to help this country. Small or large contributions of clothing, food or money will help.
U.S. first lady Laura Bush has been critical over the Burmese governement for not properly warning the country in time to take precautions. During a question-answer session held by the first lady, she said, “It’s troubling that many of the Burmese people learned of this impending disaster only when foreign outlets, such as Radio Free Asia and Voice of America, sounded the alarm. Although they were aware of the threat, Burma’s state-run media failed to issue a timely warning to citizens in the storm’s path.”
And, while the U.S. embassy in Myanmar is providing $250,000 in emergency funding for relief efforts its being channeled through other agencies because of U.S. sanctions.
Below is a map the UN released showing areas hit by floods:
Now, place your home in the middle of the red zone…
Whether you’re reading this post in the United States, Canada, Japan or India, you are doing so in a safer environment than the Burmese people right now. To possibly put this in perspective, imagine if this tragedy happened to you, in your own backyard. Remember 911, the tsunami in 2004, Katrina?
We need to help. You and me. There have been over 220,000 reported deaths so far, Lord knows how many men, women and children missing and left homeless. And this, my friends, is just the beginning of the tragedy these families have to contend with. The aftermath of picking up the pieces and rebuilding will take its toll on this country. Many of the survivors will be hit with illnesses that are common in disasters like this, causing more loss of life or disability. Yes, this is another country and from where I’m sitting right now, its pretty far away but this tragedy happened to our world - to our people. You or I might not know the newborn left without parents, the school teacher left without students or a school to teach in, the business owner left without his family…but we know them. They are just like you and me. They need our help. We are one world. We are one people. So what are we going to do to help us?
I’m looking for suggestions?
Posted in We the people... | 2 Comments »