Tonight we went to dinner and it was great to walk downtown, see all the restaurants and bars and the “downtown scene” but…what I liked most was not getting hot. It was so cool to feel the fresh cool air. Later this weekend it will get back up to the high 70’s but for now…I’m enjoying my son, his girlfriend and the cool-cool weather. Life is cool!
This is a question posed by an online reader:
I was just wondering, it appears to me that there seems to be a large segment of the people who ask us questions are women with abusive boyfriends or husbands. My question is why do women insist in staying in abusive environments?
My job during the day is working in a Salvation Army Shelter as the director of security with A daily flow of 1100 clients, it boggles my mind when i watch these women get tormented by their mates, yet they stay and take it. Why?
Answer:
This type of “ignorance” (and I do not mean that in a derogatory manner towards you) is a great deal of the problem when it comes to fighting domestic violence. Here is a portion of my page on domestic violence (and I’m a trained DV shelter worker) (The entire page can be seen at http://www.geocities.com/~rainbowstar/sp/domvio.html
Many ask why a woman would stay in an abusive relationship. There are five basic reasons most women stay.
Tradition. An abused woman often comes from a violent home and feels that such abuse is inevitable. She may believe that this is the way love is supposed to be because that is how “love” was expressed in the home where she grew up.
Humiliation. She doesn’t want anyone to know that she is being beaten or that her partner is an abuser. Whether to protect the family name (often at the urging of other family members) or because they do not believe they deserve any better or to keep others from finding out that they made a mistake, women hide the bruises and pretend everything is all right. They go on hoping their abuser will change.
Children. Women fear losing their children in the legal system. They have often been told by their abusers that they are not capable of taking proper care of their children. If the abuser comes from a wealthy family, they’re often threatened with lengthy and costly legal custody battles they cannot afford to fight.
Fear. Many abusers threaten to hunt down and seriously injure or even kill the woman and even her children. The women are threatened with isolation and/or alienation from family and friends. Threats against the woman’s family or place of employment also serve to keep her tied to her abuser.
Financial. Many women don’t believe they can make it on their own, especially if children are involved. In fact, most women who leave an abusive relationship DO find their standard of living drops drastically while that of their abuser often rises. Abused women have often been isolated and/or alienated from family and friends and have no support network to fall back on. Many women are not aware of the resources available and how to tap into them.
Abuse comes in many forms and is intended as a means of control. Just as rape is not about the sex, but about power, abuse is NOT about what the victim did or did not do, but about the power the abuser has over the victim. Regardless of what a victim may do, even if she becomes abusive herself (in which case she is responsible for HER actions only), the choice to abuse is ALWAYS the responsibility of the abuser. Being drunk or high is no excuse and should not be accepted as an excuse by the victim, the police or the courts.
The long term effects on a woman’s psyche cannot be stressed enough. The effect of the abuse is to undermine the woman’s trust in her own abilities to the point where she feels completely dependent on her abuser and incapable of making any sort of right choice for her life or for her children. So she stays with her abuser because she’s so sure that she’s going to screw it up even worse if she tries on her own.
THE MOST important thing you can do for an abuse victim (of any gender) is to EMPOWER them. To that end, NEVER make a decision for a survivor. If they say “What can I do?” you give them a list of options. If they say “Which should I pick?” DO NOT tell them. Let THEM make the choice and then do what you can to help them put that choice into action. You may not agree with it (especially if they choose to return to their abuser) but you are telling them “I believe that you can make the right choice for you at this point in time. I believe that YOU know what you need more than I do.” In time, that message sinks in. If you take control of their life by making decisions for them, they will eventually see you as just another abuser.
I’m not even going to get into how modern society and the media still feel women are nothing more than sex objects for men….
Hope this helps you understand a bit more.
My son and Firestone. A great combination! See details: Christopher
Save the fighting for the big stuff
All couples argue, which can be a healthy component in any relationship. But when disagreements become knock-down drag-outs, or are petty and constant, they will begin to cut down on the lifespan of a relationship.
Many disagreements are petty, and though some may signal a larger problem (e.g. fighting over what time dinner is served, which at a deeper level, may mean a couple is caught-up deep in major control issues), there are those disagreements that can be prevented altogether or “sidestepped.”
Below are some tips that my hubby and I have found helpful over the years with great success. And, they became so successful for us that we found they work with disagreements with our children as well.
1. Don’t taunt
Avoid the temptation to do or say those things that you know irritate your partner.
This includes constant teasing, ridicule, and gestures that send your partner into a tizzy or rage. Also, avoid the body-language “comments” ranging from rolling your eyes to smirking sarcastically. (I’ll admit it. I’m an eye-roller. I don’t mean to but it happens. Sorry, hun, I’m trying).
2. Change the subject
If it appears you’re going down that familiar trail of bickering, ambush the conversation by jumping in with a comment on a more pleasant topic.
3. Keep to your agreements
If you say you will be on time or pick up your dirty socks, then do it. Backing out on a small agreement can escalate into something bigger. Making agreements and not keeping them, minor or major, can set the stage for constant arguing, and no couple needs that.
4. Hold your tongue
Though you may want to blurt out a criticism or a snide remark, restrain yourself. When you decide to keep some remarks to yourself, you may avoid petty arguments altogether. Remember that old adage: “If you can’t say anything nice…”
5. Don’t engage
Another famous saying: “It takes two to tango.” If you refuse to play the bickering game when your mate starts in, they will have to look elsewhere to direct their jabs.
6. Forget about being right
It is oh-so tempting to want to climb all over your partner when they don’t live up to their minor promises (like not getting your car washed yesterday when they promised). Yes, you’re right: They are wrong, but is it worth getting into a huff about? Granted, it’s irritating to count on someone for something and not have them come through, but save the “I’m right and you’re wrong” for the big stuff, like when your partner says they will make a commitment to stop swearing in front of your parents and continues to do so.
7. Forget the “tit for tat”
It’s a natural response to want to get even with those who hurt your feelings or make you mad, but what does that do for your relationship? When the sun sets, wouldn’t you rather snuggle up and watch it together than sulk in different rooms? There is never any point in leveling the playing field.
8. If it’s not a deal-breaker, let it go
Sometimes all of us get entangled in the petty things, when it is far better to roll with them. As you begin to partake in a petty argument, ask yourself whether what you’re fighting over is something that could cause the demise of your relationship. If the answer is “no,” then go with the flow.
9. Find another outlet for venting
Many petty arguments are a result of one person unloading on another because they had a bad day. Take up boxing, swing that racket extra hard on the tennis court, get on the treadmill, run like Forrest Gump, but do not take out your bad day on your mate by picking a fight over nothing. Direct your frustration elsewhere.
10. Be prepared
If your partner gets lost every time they get behind the wheel, find your destination on MapQuest ahead of time. When your partner starts to complain that they cannot find the way, don’t nag. Slide the directions over or read them off nicely.
11. Ply your sense of humor
Nothing diffuses a petty argument faster than humor.
Make light of the pettiness; you will find the absurdity of what you’re fighting over amusing. Humor is essential in any relationship. But, don’t use humor, or what you perceive as humorous, to de-value what your mate is feeling.
Arguing over petty matters can set the stage for chronic fighting, which is exhausting. That is not to suggest that you should roll over and go with the flow all of the time. Should you give up your “self” in the process of trying to appease your partner, you can easily create even greater damage to the relationship because resentments build up over time. If the petty arguments are chronic, talk them through, or get help from a professional who can help the two of you negotiate your differences. Too much arguing or too much resentment can lead to a break-up because most people will not stay in a relationship where there is constant discord. It’s is best to learn to define the trivial differences from the big ones so that you do not set the stage for letting your differences, large or small, split you apart.
“You lost your job, you’re out of shape, depressed, and we’ve spent all our savings. I’m leaving.”
Why is it that when the chips are down some couples make it and others don’t? Is it that promises before God that keeps couples together in times of crisis or is it stupidity? It’s probably neither.
When a couple has money in the bank, the kids are all doing fine, the jobs are well established, and the spark of lust still rings in the relationship nothing can break the bond of two people in love. But, when the kids are acting up, you become the neighborhood chauffeur with not even a ‘thank-you’, checking the kids homework takes precedence over combing your hair, taking a bath or using the bathroom, you hate your job, underpaid, under-appreciated, and overworked, and he isn’t any more happy with his job…is this when you start to wonder if it’s all worth it?
Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence where eliminating him (or her) from the picture seems so much easier than coping one more day?
Maybe, you feel held back by your partner’s choices or resentful that you couldn’t make your own decisions.
Do you spend more time crabbing about him than daydreaming about him?
Is she no longer ironing your shirts the way she should? Of course, she never did but not it’s getting on your very last nerve.
If you only had it to do over again you’d make a different choice…or would you?
What has kept you with your partner over the rough patches? If you left, why? It can’t be your promise before God since God is forgiving. It can’t be that you can’t support yourself, because you can.
My mother always told my two sisters and me that she stayed with my dad because neither of them wanted custody of us. Isn’t that something love to tell your children?
Let’s open up the discussion here for everyone to comment on what has kept their relationship (or that of a friend’s) together through the rough patches. We all have them…what’s happened with you?
He’s gone. He’s out of my life. It was his choice and I hope he chokes on it. So, when do I stop caring what he thinks about me? When does the pain go away? How do I recover?
My friends tell me time heals all wounds but it doesn’t feel like it. The pain today is the same as it was six months ago the morning she kissed me good-bye before work and whispered she loved me…and the night she told me she was leaving.
This is the feeling so many of us have that we just can’t seem to get over. We have questions about why he left; could I have done something different; would one more counseling session have made it work…so many questions left unanswered. How do we get closure?
When our teenagers have their little break-ups its like their whole world has collapsed but somehow, they recover. As adults, why can’t we? Why do we need answers to questions we will never have, need to have one more word, need one more chance, or need to keep “that” connection with him?
Answers to most of the questions we have will either hurt us even more or don’t exist. Through pain comes growth. Sad to say, but it’s true.
For those of us that never seem to get over the past relationship, we may have deeper issues than the past relationship. Losing a relationship to divorce or death is a time for reflection. It won’t feel good…but it does work. If you have a problem getting started, find a good counselor. They can give you the tools you need.
How did you move forward? Any advice for those still trying to get to that point? Click the comment button just below this and help those of us that need an extra push.
This morning, my friend, Sara, sent me a message that, for me, hit real close to home. As you’ve read, she’s going through a divorce that is turning out to be more than a challenge than she’d hoped since her husband wants the divorce as much as she does.
She’s heard me say a million times that we are never given a challenge without also being given the opportunity to overcome that challenge and become stronger. At this point, she’s wondering just how strong she needs to be.
For the past four or five years, as Sara and her husband have moved closer to parting ways, she’s found her own approaches to becoming stronger. She sent me one of them this morning that I wanted to share with you.
“Concentrate on what you want.”
“When you think about what you don’t want to happen, it happens! Concentrating on what you fear and obsessing about negative outcomes has a way of manifesting disastrous images in your head. These images are very powerful and often turn into reality.
Instead, create pictures in your mind of what you want. Imagine the best possible outcome. Take a minute or two to do this everyday.
When you focus your energy toward things you really want, rather than toward what you don’t want, the universe will respond and deliver. Try it. It’s an amazing phenomenon that nurtures your desires.”
This piece is from Meditations for Women but even men can practice it. Until this morning I’d never read this piece but I truly believe it’s true. If you find yourself being negative, always cursing your problems and where you are in life…copy this affirmation and read it daily. Better yet, subscribe to my RSS feed at the top right of this website and you’ll see it all the time ;-).
~ Diana
Sara is one of my good friends going through a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. Her husband is refusing to part with a dime to help support her. She works, but doesn’t earn enough to support herself. She worked for many years early in her marriage so her husband could concentrate full-time on getting his doctoral degree…been-there-done-that.
For now, she’s still living with her husband but it’s getting more and more difficult as the divorce moves forward. He refuses to move out and she can’t afford to move out. She’s hoping that when she makes up their daughter’s bedroom and tells him to find a bed to put in there that he gets the message. He probably won’t ~ but she can hope.
Sara knows I enjoy blogging. It’s where can combine two passions; writing and being creative. She’s thought about it so that she can have an outlet to express her emotions. Today, I told her how to make money on Bloggerwave. She can blog about what she wants to say and make money at the same time. The more she blogs the more money she’ll make. It could be her answer to making ends meet until the divorce is finalized…and beyond. Good luck, Sara!
~ Diana
STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
If a neurologist can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can reverse the effects of a stroke ~ totally. The trick is getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which can, in itself, be the hurdle to overcome.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S ~ Ask the individual to SMILE
T ~ Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(i.e. It is sunny out today)
R ~ Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 999/911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
New Sign of a Stroke ~ Stick out Your Tongue
Another sign of a stroke is this: Ask the person to stick out their tongue. If the tongue is crooked, if it goes to one side or the other, this is also an indication of a stroke.
Please, remember the STR and Tongue symptoms and pass this on to your friends, family and loved ones. I’ll keep it here as well…just in case you need to refer back. Thanks, Steve, for passing this on to me.
~ Diana
