Do all relationships have deal breakers or are some relationships just destined to last forever?

Over the past few days I’ve been asked this question by several people and so I started a search into what a deal breaker is and who are those lucky enough to be immune to them.

When I said for better or worse on my wedding day…did it mean that if I win the lottery that I must split it with my new husband? Or, if I picked-up a new habit that went against his morals, beliefs or values should he stick by me?

As I’ve thought about it I’ve learned that each situation depends on so many variables that no one can make a blanket statement on what a deal breaker today is versus that same situation ten years from now.

My friends, Darcie and Mike, are preparing to move to Cabo San Lucas. They’ve wanted to move to Cabo for years and they are finally packing up and making the move. Using them as an example, what if Darcie isn’t ready to go but Mike is? Do they wait or do they wait until Darcie is ready?

A major move like this can be a deal breaker but then, it can be talked about, negotiated and resolved without the couple being at odds. In reality, both of them are ready to make the move. I hope they enjoy the journey. My hubby and I made that move. It will worth the trip for both of them.

The example of Mike and Darcie was more a matter of communication than splitting lottery winnings or developing bad habits. What about my friend, Jan whose husband has shut her out emotionally? He seldom talks to her and when he does its condescending. They’ve been married more than 25 years and, over time, their relationship has dwindled to more of a roommate relationship than husband/wife relationship. Is lack of communication or being shut out emotionally a deal breaker or is it something that a little communication and/or professional counseling can heal? Or, is the end near?

Another one of my friends in Kansas City has dealt for years with her partner’s drinking…and drinking…and drinking. He’s a wonderful partner, loving and considerate, but when he drinks he drinks too much. He’s not one of those people that drinks at work, before work or wakes up wanting a drink but he drinks after work and seems to never stop. This is a form of alcoholism. You don’t have to crave alcohol to be an alcoholic. To not be able to stop once you start is an abuse of alcohol…but is this an abuse of their relationship? He drank before they were together so it’s nothing new. He’s tried to quit or slow down but it’s pretty futile. Because she knew he drank before they became a couple many years ago and he’s not changed, but more or less remained the same, is this a reason to remain in the relationship or can the continual abuse of a product eventually lead to being a deal breaker?

My friend, Sasha, is a wonderful person and married for many years to John. John’s pretty straight-laced. Sasha grew up, like me and many of my friends, as a child of the 60’s and 70’s. There’s pretty much not a drug out there that she hasn’t tried. However, when she met John she had quit everything except smoking pot. To John, this was still too much for his conservative lifestyle. He’s never even smoked, although he does drink socially. John’s pretty easy going but the pot smoking was going to put an end to their relationship if she didn’t stop so Sasha made up her own mind that her relationship with John was more important than getting high. Is this not so cool? Unfortunately, John told my hubby that he found out that Sasha’s been smoking pot, again. This is the third time over the past few years that he’s found out she smokes pot. Each of the other two times she’s promised she’d never do it again. Has this almost perfect relationship come upon a deal breaker? Does John have the right to ask Sasha to quit? Should he just turn the other cheek and allow her to live her life the way she wants versus on John’s terms? Or, if she says she will quit…will she?

My son’s friend, Ralph, is in an abusive relationship with his girlfriend. Yes, women can abuse just as much, if not more than men. Rachel seldom hits Ralph, although she has. She’s a pretty strong slapper. It takes all Ralph has in him to not slap her back but he’s a good guy and holds back. Rachel screams, yells, berates, condescends and emasculates Ralph on a daily and almost hourly basis. There are times when Ralph says he’s had it but Rachel always promises…”I’ll never do that again”, “I’ll get help”, “I don’t know why I do this, I love you.” This couple is young, mid-20’s. Does Ralph, that finds beauty and promise in Rachel, stay or has he met his deal breaker?

When I look at each of my friends and the many other’s, as well as myself and my own hubby, I see chance. I also see loss in some cases.

Is it right to ask another human being to change their habits or what they enjoy, like alcohol or pot? Or, is it lessening the quality of life for the one partner that doesn’t use by putting up with a habit they dislike or disagree with?

Personally, maybe because of my age and maybe because I dated more than one guy in my life, I’ve come upon several deal breaking moments. Some issues I’ve worked through and other’s I let slide. Obviously, some were deal breakers because I’m no longer married to my boyfriend or my first husband. Possibly, I did something that was a deal breaker to them.

I’ve also given thought to the issue that it’s not always that a couple has been together for years but that it’s timing. What might have been a little blimp on the map a few years ago is now a major ordeal for one reason or another.

It’s a great feeling to have wise friends that surround you. My friend, Sheri, is one of my wise friends. She and her honey, Glen are lucky to have each other. Sheri’s talked to me about deal breakers, not with Glen but in general. She’s said that if it’s something that a person can live with…live with it. If it’s not something that you can have as a part of your life…it’s a deal breaker.

I’ve said it before; relationships of any kind are precious. Good relationships are strong but very fragile. They’re easy to form but to keep them together takes communication, trust and respect along with lots of love. But, when is love not enough, and respect along with trust are no longer a part of the relationship? Sadly, that’s when there’s a deal breaker.

~ Diana

Yes, I’m researching, yet again; another way to attempt to lose some of the weight I’ve gained in the past 4 years. You all know that exercise is against my religion and I’m allergic to perspiration. LOL

When I look at what I eat versus what I should eat I’m not sure I’m totally incorrect. Possibly, the worst that I do to myself is that I eat popcorn. Not once in a while…every single night. Good thing for me is that I use canola oil and make it from scratch instead of buying the microwave brands.

I was looking at Hydroxycut. There are users that Hydroxycut and post what the product did for them. It appears that some lose a lot of weight and some lose just a few pounds. Like all products, I’m sure the results depend on individual

Reading what people have posted on their weight losses went from a couple of pounds to a woman that, and this was the best, went from 178 pounds to 156 pounds, was on a strict diet and…exercised 2 times a day. Now, I don’t know that much about exercise programs and the best times to exercise, but isn’t twice a day a little too much? Why on earth does this person need Hydroxycut if she exercises twice a day and is on a strict diet? It might be that there are deeper issues with this young woman than weight.

While it appears that there is no clinical evidence on the effectiveness of the ingredients with Hydroxycut, it is actually better at blocking carbs, which I really need because of my love for pasta and potatoes.

I’m going to keep this as one of my “might tries”. If you have any tips, please let me know and remember…no exercise…no perspiration ;-).

~ Diana

There are a lot of subjects I’m uneducated about but insurance isn’t one of them. After spending more than 20 years in the business, as an underwriter for Ætna and then as an independent agent, I developed a knowledge that isn’t fading away with time. One of my oldest friends, Robert, started in the business a few years after me and is still going strong. We still exchange stores of ‘the old days’ and he tells me about the claims that come in when it rains or snows in St. Louis. 

My son refers a lot of his friends to me for advice on insurance. I think I’ve finally educated him enough on his own insurance he doesn’t need my advice anymore, but, some of his friends…need advice from someone, that’s for sure.

Last week he called me about one of his old frat brothers, Stephen, who now lives in California. I don’t pretend to know about every State’s laws or insurance requirements but I could help him a little.

This young man makes a decent living and is single yet he continues to carry the minimum state required liability limits on his car. This is a huge pet-peeve of mine. He explained to me that California auto insurance only requires that he carry $15,000 liability for bodily injury, $30,000 for bodily injury per accident and $5,000 in property damage coverage.

After I silently screamed in frustration I asked him the last time he hit a light pole or traffic light pole, by accident of course. I always laugh when I remember my dad telling me his car ran out of control when he was a teenager and he ran into a house! OMG…a house! And to think, a few years later he would start a business teaching people how to drive. Too funny.

My point to Stephen was that, last I checked, a traffic light pole is more than $25,000 to replace. If you hit one, trust me, the city will come after YOU to pay for it. If you carry $5,000 in property damage coverage…guess from where the other $20k is coming? Your pocket. If you slide into the backend of a newer model vehicle going 20 mph, you’ll easily create $5,000 in property damage there. And, what if the car in front of you hits the car in front of them…it’s still your fault. Sure, your insurance will pay the first $5k but from where, again, is the balance coming? Again, your pocket.

Having the minimum limit of liability coverage for bodily injury is like asking to shoot yourself in the foot. When was the last time you, a family member or a friend was went to the emergency room and had it cost less than several thousand dollars? Not even in my youth did that happen. Add in a broken arm, a few meds, physical therapy, repeat doctor’s visits and you’re well over $15k…the minimum limit of liability. The balance? Again, your pocket.

Let’s use, as an example, a nice little claim that one my clients had; Dad was on his way home from work one day, never had an accident in his life, he was alert and watching everyone. However, with the blink of an eye, he didn’t see the person in the blind spot behind him when we changed lanes. Thankfully, no one was seriously injured but it did send Dad and the members of the other car all to the emergency room. Two of the passengers in the other car ended up staying in the hospital a few days costing upwards of $50,000 when it was all over. Nothing serious, but serious enough to warrant hospital stays.

I’ve heard people joke and say “they can’t get blood out of a turnip” but, you know what? They can get money from your employer, future employer and more.

Listen, if you’re going to carry car insurance, whether its California auto insurance  or any other state, don’t throw your money away. Do it right; carry reasonable liability limits.

For just a few dollars more than the minimum State laws require, you can carry at the very least:

• $50,000 liability bodily injury per person
• $100,000 liability bodily injury per accident
• $50,000 property damage coverage

Above is the absolute minimum any person of any income level should carry. However, in my many years of experience and my many friends and family that have been involved in an accident, either personally or through a friend or relative, I recommend the following:

• $100,000 liability bodily injury per person
• $300,000 liability bodily injury per accident
• $100,000 property damage

Yes, I’ve been out of the business for a while and am no longer a licensed insurance broker or agent, but three things haven’t changed; people have accidents, people get hurt from accidents and someone will pay. Don’t let it be you.

~ Diana

If Hollywood has a secret wouldn’t it be cool if I told it here? Everyone already knows that weight loss is huge in Hollywood but today, so is being natural.

In my never-ending quest for weight loss I have found a product that suppresses your appetite with Hoodia Gordonii. It’s supposed to trick your brain into feeling full. Personally, I find it funny that anything can trick my brain but I’m game for anything.

Something that I’ve learned is that if I’m going to take weight loss pills they should be able to attack each of my weight gain problems through different methods. I’ve seen Metabo Speed, touted to be “The Celebrity Diet Pill”, Hoddia and Cabo Delete has a forumula that should minimize carbohydrate and cholesterol buildup. All of these are considerations I’ll need to think about.

After I review all my options, I’m going to talk with my doctor to be sure that I’m in a healthy position to take the supplement I choose. This should be an interesting journey.

~ Diana

Tonight, during my Abby-walk, Mickey, the little ten-week-old puppy from downstairs, followed us to play. Abby plays, all right. She plays hard to get. She wants other dogs to beg her to play with them. Since Abby was more in the mood to walk and not play tonight, I picked Mickey up while Abby walked. He’s such a fatty, so cute! As soon as I picked him up, though, I noticed his tummy was hot. I learned a few years ago that you can tell if a dog has a fever if their hind inner thigh is warmer than normal to the touch. Mickey was burning up! Shoot, he was even making me hot holding him.

As soon as I gave Mickey back to his mommy I came up and checked the Internet for what could be giving him a fever when he’s so young. Thank goodness, I remembered the website for pets I found last week, Zootoo dot com. So easy to remember! I was able to check-out what other puppy owners said about their puppies having a temp so I could help Mickey. Thankfully, his fever’s down now but his mommy will watch him to see if he needs to go to his doctor tomorrow. He’s so happy it’s hard to believe he might be sick.

The once or twice Abby’s been sick I’ve relied a lot on my past experience and different websites that are ok but, when I really need help they are pretty generic and don’t answer my questions. Zootoo (I love the name!) connects me with other dog’s parents. We can chat about our dog’s problems…or just brag.

I told Mickey’s mom about the Zootoo so she could help Mickey, herself. She’s very into the social networking scene so I know she’ll get into the Zootoo pet social networking scene too. The site is a good place to help pet owners help their pets.

Last time I checked on her and Mickey, Mickey was lying on her lap and she was engrossed in Zootoo. She already found Abby’s photo on there under Mom4Abby. Abby’s so proud! She’s all about pink!

~ Diana

This is very exciting for me! Someone e-mailed me and asked for advice! Not sure if I’m qualified, but I always have an opinion I’m willing to share…

Dear Diana,

A guy-friend of mine and I at work chat a lot. He’s in his 20’s, married 5yrs to someone 4yrs younger.  She likes gold, he likes silver.  He said many times the ring he wanted to wear forever he wanted it to be silver.  Her ring set was both gold and silver.  She was buying his wedding band, and was surprising him with it the day of their wedding.  He said the time came, and the ring she put on his finger … one, was silver and gold, and two, had plastic on the inside.  He waited until after the ceremony to ask her about it.  She said she had a silver/gray band picked out for him, but at the last minute decided she wanted them to match, thus getting this one.  However the store didn’t have his size, it would take time to do this, so they gave her/him a “loaner” for the meantime.  He wore the ring for 2yrs, and then took it off, never put it back on.  She of course is pissed at this.

 You have to know my co-worker, nice guy, would never cheat.  Says he doesn’t need a ring to know he’s married.  But his argument is, she got him something she had to know he wouldn’t like, just so they could “match”, and the big one being … “she could have got me the ugliest ring in the world, I’m sentimental, if it was the ring she put on my finger on our wedding day, I’d wear it forever, just for that reason”.  He said instead his wedding ring reminded him that he got married with a “loaner”, and he grew more and more bitter.

I told my boyfriend when we first started talking about the kind of ring I wanted, “Just because I like yellow gold, doesn’t mean you have to get the same. You get what you like.”  I think he said something about yellow gold being okay, but in any case, it’s totally up to him.

Does my friend’s wife have a right to be pissed or does he deserve to wear a ring that’s not a “loaner”?

Signed,

Sun Princess

Dear Sun Princess,

If someone expresses a desire for a gold, silver or any type of design wedding band, if it’s within the budget of the bride (or groom), the bride should get the color or type of band the groom asked for. After all, he’s the one that’s going to wear it for life. Personally, I’d feel the same as your friend if I was married with a plastic sizer on the inside of the band because she didn’t plan far enough in advance.

A wedding band is a symbol of unending love. It is not to be confused with being unending love. Also, a marriage is made between two people not two rings. Again, the rings are just symbols.

If the wife is concerned that others won’t know he’s married, she has a problem much larger than him not wearing his ring. The husband’s actions will, and apparently do, tell other’s he’s married, not the ring.

Since my husband outgrew his wedding ring several years ago he hasn’t worn it. This doesn’t bother me at all. There are some professions that don’t allow wedding bands of any kind because they become a safety issue. Again, it’s not the ring that makes the marriage or commitment…it’s the person. To even emphasize the symbolism of the ring versus the commitment, there are many cultures that don’t use rings as a symbol of the marriage commitment. Why? They aren’t needed to display what is in the person’s heart.

What I might recommend since the couple has been married for 5 years is that the couple renew their vows. Then, she can find the perfect ring that he will like, have it sized, and give it, with love, to her husband. When they renew their vows as she places the ring on his finger, he will wear it forever.

~Diana