“You lost your job, you’re out of shape, depressed, and we’ve spent all our savings. I’m leaving.”

Why is it that when the chips are down some couples make it and others don’t? Is it that promises before God that keeps couples together in times of crisis or is it stupidity? It’s probably neither.

When a couple has money in the bank, the kids are all doing fine, the jobs are well established, and the spark of lust still rings in the relationship nothing can break the bond of two people in love. But, when the kids are acting up, you become the neighborhood chauffeur with not even a ‘thank-you’, checking the kids homework takes precedence over combing your hair, taking a bath or using the bathroom, you hate your job, underpaid, under-appreciated, and overworked, and he isn’t any more happy with his job…is this when you start to wonder if it’s all worth it?

Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence where eliminating him (or her) from the picture seems so much easier than coping one more day?

Maybe, you feel held back by your partner’s choices or resentful that you couldn’t make your own decisions.

Do you spend more time crabbing about him than daydreaming about him?

Is she no longer ironing your shirts the way she should? Of course, she never did but not it’s getting on your very last nerve.

If you only had it to do over again you’d make a different choice…or would you?

What has kept you with your partner over the rough patches? If you left, why? It can’t be your promise before God since God is forgiving. It can’t be that you can’t support yourself, because you can.

My mother always told my two sisters and me that she stayed with my dad because neither of them wanted custody of us. Isn’t that something love to tell your children?

Let’s open up the discussion here for everyone to comment on what has kept their relationship (or that of a friend’s) together through the rough patches. We all have them…what’s happened with you?

This morning, my friend, Sara, sent me a message that, for me, hit real close to home. As you’ve read, she’s going through a divorce that is turning out to be more than a challenge than she’d hoped since her husband wants the divorce as much as she does.

She’s heard me say a million times that we are never given a challenge without also being given the opportunity to overcome that challenge and become stronger. At this point, she’s wondering just how strong she needs to be.

For the past four or five years, as Sara and her husband have moved closer to parting ways, she’s found her own approaches to becoming stronger. She sent me one of them this morning that I wanted to share with you.

“Concentrate on what you want.”

“When you think about what you don’t want to happen, it happens! Concentrating on what you fear and obsessing about negative outcomes has a way of manifesting disastrous images in your head. These images are very powerful and often turn into reality.

Instead, create pictures in your mind of what you want. Imagine the best possible outcome. Take a minute or two to do this everyday.

When you focus your energy toward things you really want, rather than toward what you don’t want, the universe will respond and deliver. Try it. It’s an amazing phenomenon that nurtures your desires.”

This piece is from Meditations for Women but even men can practice it. Until this morning I’d never read this piece but I truly believe it’s true. If you find yourself being negative, always cursing your problems and where you are in life…copy this affirmation and read it daily. Better yet, subscribe to my RSS feed at the top right of this website and you’ll see it all the time ;-).

~ Diana

Sara is one of my good friends going through a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. Her husband is refusing to part with a dime to help support her. She works, but doesn’t earn enough to support herself. She worked for many years early in her marriage so her husband could concentrate full-time on getting his doctoral degree…been-there-done-that.

For now, she’s still living with her husband but it’s getting more and more difficult as the divorce moves forward. He refuses to move out and she can’t afford to move out. She’s hoping that when she makes up their daughter’s bedroom and tells him to find a bed to put in there that he gets the message. He probably won’t ~ but she can hope.

Sara knows I enjoy blogging. It’s where can combine two passions; writing and being creative. She’s thought about it so that she can have an outlet to express her emotions. Today, I told her how to make money on Bloggerwave. She can blog about what she wants to say and make money at the same time. The more she blogs the more money she’ll make. It could be her answer to making ends meet until the divorce is finalized…and beyond. Good luck, Sara!

~ Diana

After 30+ years of marriage…she’s had it and leaving. Life’s twists and turns keep all of us moving forward. Hopefully, none of us takes too many steps backward without taking even more steps forward. Sometimes, though, even after 30 years of marriage, we have to take a step back to know how to move forward.

My friend and former classmate, Susan, is now trying to move forward after deciding to end her 30+ year marriage. She can’t say she made this decision overnight; it’s taken her more than five years of counseling, thought, and processing her marriage to come to this decision. Having been through the process more than once, I don’t envy her but hope that I can be there for her.

One of Susan’s biggest concerns all along has been their house. She doesn’t want it but does want her share of the equity, which is only fair. Her soon-2-b former husband wants to keep the house rather than preparing it to sell. He’s not real ambitious.

Susan’s had no idea how she would get her husband to part with enough money to buy her out. She has enough problems getting him to part with $10 for gas; thus the divorce. Thankfully, my crazy past has helped me help her. There are mortgage lenders that have what they call “divorce buyouts” where they will pay Susan a large cash buyout and then provide her husband with low payments so he can keep his house.

Susan and I are sure that her husband won’t look into mortgage lenders on his own and hopes he can figure out another way to keep the house…and his money. Unfortunately for him, Susan’s already making the call to set the wheels in motion.

~ Diana

Divorce is never easy, even when it’s been in the works for years. A friend of mine has been married for 32 years and is now going through the process legally, even though emotionally she went through it years ago. Good for her that she’s talking with a counselor and staying emotionally healthy while she goes through this. Unfortunately, her husband has made some not-so-smart decisions in the past months and now she has to clean up his messes. 

How do I say this in a nice way? People, because you are getting a divorce doesn’t mean you cancel your life insurance! You’re still going to die. You’re still going to need to be buried! You still have your children to think of, unless you want to be a ‘great’ parent and stick them with the bill. Jeeez. As a former insurance broker for more than 20 years, when she told me her husband canceled his life insurance I just about punched-out my LCD monitor. But then, I remembered, the guy wouldn’t feel my anger…so I backed off. 

Thank goodness, life insurance, as well as most other insurance coverage’s, has advanced since I left the business. Now, she can insure herself and her (soon-2-b-x) husband online. She has a good head on her shoulders so I’m sure she’ll do what’s right. Good thing is, now she can do it all from her laptop rather than when I was in the biz. Times, they area a chagin’.

Divorce changes many things. Act smart, not emotional. 

~Diana

Below is one of the best articles I’ve read in a long time relevant to every couple on the planet. I hope you take the time to read and share it with your partner.

Fair Fight Guidelines
By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D

 Fair Fight Guidelines

• +Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
• +Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
• +Don’t try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.
• +Don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.
• +Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.
• +Don’t talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
• +Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.
• +Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner’s need to solve a problem.
• +Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.
• +State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use “I messages” and “please”.
• +Don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.
• +Know your facts: If you’re going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you.
• +Ask for changes in behavior, don’t criticize character, ethics or morals.
• +Don’t fight over who’s right or wrong. Opinions are opinions, and that won’t solve the problem. Instead, focus on what will work.
• +Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. “Is there anything else we need to discuss now?”
• +Don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. “What do you think?” Or “How do you feel about it?”
• +Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you’re partners.
• +If you’re angry, express it calmly. “I’m angry about …” There’s no need for drama, and it won’t get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal emotion — rage is phony, it’s drama created by not taking care of yourself.
• +Acknowledged and honor your partner’s feelings — don’t deflect them, laugh at them or freak out. They’re only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.
• +Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. “So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?”
• +No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.
• +If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don’t direct it personally at anyone. You can’t vent and solve problems at the same time.
• +Don’t try to solve a problem if you’re impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.
• +Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

I posted this article because so many people believe that fighting is normal. I used to think this way since I was raised in the environment - but it’s not. It’s normal for couples to disagree, after all, none of us are the “Bobbsey Twins“. We are two separate human beings with separate feelings, desires and goals. That doesn’t mean we don’t love each other, it means we’re one - but two, as well.

For about 12 years of 12 years I’ve been married to my husband the above rules have applied to us when we disagree. With failed marriages behind both of us we searched for a way to keep this marriage from crumbling away. I saw a television interview with John Tesh and Connie Sellecca where they discussed the above guideline’ that were easy to follow.

My husband and I are far from perfect and don’t think alike at all. In fact, we have totally different value systems. It makes for great conversations. Neither of us tries to change the other. That’s not a part of the deal when you get married, unbeknown to some.  We each understand the other’s views and opinions and deeply love and respect the other for them. I think that following the above guidelines is very important in a long lasting - and happy relationship. They can even help to get a relationship back on track. Even if your partner doesn’t follow these guidelines…you can.

Oh! Before I forget…if you take nothing away from this article take this… ladies, men cannot read your mind! I say this with the utmost respect and honesty.

Hugs, Diana

I found a great blog for women going through a divorce. It addresses issues such as child support, inheritance, relocation and much-much more. If you or a friend are in-need, take a look.
~Diana

I have a friend (a real friend) that is leaving her husband after more than 30 years of marriage. No. Get your mind out of the gutter, there’s no other guy. Thing is, she’s asked me how to tell her husband she’s leaving him. I’m stumped. With both of my divorces I left while they were at work or out of town so no discussion was necessary. Actually, I figured if they wanted to know why I left they’d review our history and figure it out on their own. So, I have no adivce for her. Anyone out there that has an idea…please chime in. I’m all ears and will send it her way…or she’ll read it here, of course!

Diana ~