Killing me softly…

Thursday, May 15th, 2008


“Killing me softly, with his song…” are not only the lyrics to the famous song by Roberta Flack but the lyrics to my marriage. Silly me, I thought I was in a love-based relationship. Why the man didn’t tell me from the beginning that we were in a control-based relationship is beyond me.

It wasn’t until I took off my love-goggles that I saw him for what he was…a controlling person. Yes, he spoon-fed me the lines for years. And, I bought it! There is not a single woman on the face of the earth that can hear these words day in and day out and, after a while, not believe them. There are men in relationships like this as well (my father, for example).

Tell me, do these words hit home?  But, I’m just looking out for what’s best for you. I know better than you do what you should and shouldn’t do;what makes you look good; when you’re getting too fat; who your friends should be; what job you should take or not take…”.

Some of us even say to ourselves and others,  “But the sex is great! I know this means he loves me and I’ll never find another partner that good in bed.”  I ask you, is this what a healthy relationship is based on? Sex? If it is, then honey, your 19 years old going on 12.

Trust me, I love sex, lust and everything that goes along with it…but not when it comes to sacrificing my mental health for a good lay. Good lovers are a dime a dozen. If one isn’t good the next one will be. Sorry to lay it out like that but its true. What are you willing to give away for good sex? Your self-respect, your self-esteem, your family, your children? Jeez, just typing them here makes my skin crawl all over again. This man that I was married to was not only sucking the life out of me, he sucked my spirit and my very soul dry…with his words. He was slowly & painfully killing me…from the inside out.

When most people think of domestic violence, emotional abuse doesn’t usually come to mind. People visualize bruises and broken bones, not the emotional scars that are often hidden by the victim, and I’ll admit, hidden by me. I denied it all the way to the bank.

Mental and verbal abuse slowly tear down a woman’s self esteem until there’s little left of the vibrant person she used to be. After years of being worn down by constant criticism, she fears leaving or getting a divorce because she doesn’t feel like she can make it on her own. We’ve been told so many times that we’re failures…we finally believe what we’re told.

Sadly, I have two friends that I’m thinking of as I write this post. One has been torn down by isolation and condescension for many years and another that has been isolated from her children, her family and friends to keep her in ‘his’ control. Both are aware of what’s going on but refuse believe they are actually being abused. Individually, they have each told me that they are stronger than he is. Admittedly, I said this myself. No one wants to believe they are under someone else’s control. We hope and pray we are stronger than the person tearing us down…but as we weaken from our stronger days…he wins every single time.

This post is sent with love and hopes to those that deny what’s going on in their own home, to their own minds. If you are in a healthy and love-based relationship, I congratulate you but hope that if you know someone that can use some help, you direct this to them.

It helps to understand the effects of emotional abuse and how it’s inflicted:

1. “Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash. Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time, you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.
The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

2. You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we’re talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.
3. You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”
If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.
4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?
Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship? When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.
5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.
You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.
If you find yourself puzzled about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.
6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)
Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.
7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.
Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by emotional abuse, it is never too late to heal. 
But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared towards mental abuse recovery. You cannot do this alone. Trust me, I tried.
Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner. 
Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past emotional abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want. 
Emotional abuse is very real. Just ask any woman who has broken free from an abusive relationship and started to heal. Shoot, just ask me! If you feel like you are in an abusive relationship, seek help and counseling. You can find the contact information for local shelter by looking up “Domestic Violence” in any search engine or clicking one of the links below. 
As for my two friends? My one friend still says that she’s strong enough to counter his control. It should be known that she said this about her past 3 long-term relationships. My other friend, still denies that she’s been mentally abused but she has been in counseling for several months now and is making great progress healing from the inside - out.
And me? Even though I didn’t have a penny to my own name, a house to live in or a single person to turn to…for my sake and the sake of my one-year-old son, I walked away and never looked back. That was almost 25 years ago.

Please, if you even have a hint that you are being emotionally, mentally or physically abused - make your next call to a professional that will help you find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Resources:

From Diana with love

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Savvy Women!

Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Just a little hint that I’m working on - a new blog!

Savvy Women will be the title because we all are very savvy, right? Yes, there’s a lot of women’s blogs and women’s websites out there I’m hoping to address some real issues like emotional abuse, affairs of the heart and body, emotional abandonment and how we can work together to help each other. More to follow in the coming days!

If there’s any issues, from make-up or menopause to abuse or child-care and juggling it all that you’d like to see discussed, shoot me an e-mail to from_diana@yahoo.com.

Hugs to all you savvy women!
Diana

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